Wednesday, November 12, 2008

When Insomnia Wins

I spend a lot of time in my head. The concept of time escapes me. I eat, solve a math problem, read a chapter, answer questions, look up, eat again, use the restroom, read more, test more, cough, have an episode of 'The West Wing' on in the background and when I look up again-- it's dark. Damn winter/daylight savings time. I can't seem to relax. Even when it's time to turn out the lights (and okay, if we're going to be honest here I'm actually afraid of the dark and usually sleep with the light *on*) and let me brain & eyes rest-- I don't. I have a plethora of things floating around upstairs. 'What's my GPA gonna be'? 'Why did it take me ten years to go back to school'? 'Did I do ALL my homework'?

Before I know it it's 3am, and in 3.5 hours I need to be up to get ready for class. And so it begins...
I used to be the kind of person who needed something to look forward to throughout my day. If there wasn't a certain person I was to engage with, task I had to do, etc, I wouldn't even see reason to get out of bed. It's funny, interesting, and almost unbelievable how time & life can change a person. Now, I bank it all on the unknown. I want an uncertain future with several possibilities. Commitments and routines elude me; I have no patience or desire for that. A friend of mine once said, "Sometimes, certain people weren't meant to be tamed. Sometimes, they're meant to find someone just as wild to run alongside them." And that's exactly how it feels in my head. If people heard out loud the many things, plans, wishes and wants I have -and how they morph- on a daily basis...well, I think they'd have me committed.
Why, I wonder, do I start to contemplate these things at buttcrack in the morning, when I should be resting? Maybe it's because I *should be* asleep and for that sheer reason alone, I don't want to. If you and I would have known each other 10 years ago, youd've known an entirely different creature. Rules, tradition, black or white. I HATED change, spat on it, didn't want to let it anywhere near me. I was very much the Capricorn. Being born on Jan 19th, 6 hours from Aquarius, makes me a true cusp. From 0-28, I went by the book. Hell I WROTE the damn thing, and had it translated into Spanish so the people around me could fully understand. Now, as I approach the 30 year mark, Aquarius is taking over. The book has been burned. I want change. I want a different life. Not just long-term but, everyday. I'm resisting the norm. Breaking free. Closing my eyes and breathing in the world. All while sitting here, 2 days fresh from Europe, in a small room in the Inland Empire not sleeping, but writing, about living life.